How to talk, so people listen, that’s what I’m going to be talking about today. I’m going to give you three tips to improve your charisma and five tips to improve your body language to create an impressive presence. I’m Dr. Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist, and this channel is about mental health education and self-improvement.
I publish weekly videos so subscribe, so you don’t miss one. If you can get people to listen to you, you have influence, and influence from respect and admiration. But how do you get someone who doesn’t even know you to respect or admire you? You have to let them leave your presence feeling good about themselves.
Maya Angelou said it best, and I’ll quote her: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. It all boils down to nurturing relationships, even superficial ones. And this concept can apply to your marriage or relationships with friends, kids, anyone.
Some people are just naturally charismatic, but anyone can learn to be charismatic. You don’t have to be a comedian or a super extrovert. People with charisma make people feel good about themselves. So here are three ways to develop more charisma. Smile when you talk. Emotions are contagious and so let people catch something positive from you.
And people treat you differently, and the message comes across differently when you’re smiling than when you’re not smiling. Number two: be curious and interested in others. And I’m going to borrow a quote from the l te Dale Carnegie, a self-improvement writer, and he said, “you can make m re friends in two months by being interested in others than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
The way to find out things about others is to ask questions. People like talking about themselves and respond positively to someone who allows them to talk. But let’s say you run across a private person. They’re going to want to keep the conversation neutral, and you’ll be the tell because this kind of person will when you ask them questions will give you short, vague answers lacking in detail.
They may even seem evasive. And it’ll be tempting to want to push them for more details but don’t. These kinds of people need to feel comfortable with you before they open up about themselves. Too many questions can feel intrusive and off-putting. So, in this case, if you want to have small talk with them, you need to talk about something neutral like the event that you’re attending or the office or whatever you have in common with them.
Then whatever you talk about, be sure to smile and be warm and engaging as this can make the person feel as though you’re enjoying their company. Giving them the sense that you’re enjoying their company can go miles with them because guarded people like this usually know that they’re not good with people. They may feel this way because they’re used to people reacting to them by being intrusive or judgmental about the fact that they’re not carrying their weight in the conversation.
S if you come along and carry the conversation in a friendly and accepting way, you stand out as different, and this is an example of charisma. People are attracted to you because of the way you. There they feel. Number three: encourage and support others. People don’t want criticism; they crave support and admiration, and keep in mind people are attracted to those who are open and non-judgmental.
No one wants to be judged, and this doesn’t mean you don’t have to. You can’t have any opinion. But you can express your opinion and simultaneously validate the other person’s opposing idea such that they don’t feel judged because you think differently from them. So let me give you a concrete example of being supportive.
Suppose someone is telling you about an idea that they have and you think that it’s a bad idea and you can’t really find anything positive to say about it. You can even think of some ways to improve their view. So what do you say? So first guess, is this person asking you for a critique?
Did they preface what they said with “please give me some feedback and let me know what you think?” Or “how can I improve this idea?” If they didn’t, and you have nothing to do with their project or idea, chances are nothing you say will change what they do. Instead, maybe he’s telling you about something he’s proud of, and he’s looking for affirmation.
And if you’re not into whatever it is he’s doing, you could still find something positive to say. So you could say boy, that looks like that was a lot of work, and he could say “it is. I spent two months pulling it together.” And then instead of saying well, that was two months wasted, you could say “good for you from being so dedicated to this.”
Do you see what you’re doing? You’re complimenting the person for their effort and dedication, and it says nothing about whether or not you like what he’s doing. Now suppose he asks outright “do you like this, you think it’s a good idea?” You could say, “it’s hard for me to say because I’m not good at something” or “I don’t know much about” blank.
What you’re doing here is you’re making your shortcomings or your lack of exposure to this thing the reason that you can’t appreciate what he’s done and that’s not a judgement, in fact, you’re saying “gosh I’m so stupid about this stuff I can’t even give you a relevant opinion, my opinion is worthless in this scenario.”
And that’s a template here that you could use if you don’t like someone’s idea or their craft or their product. Don’t give them negative feedback, just disqualify yourself from being able to provide an opinion that matters because you’re so disconnected from their thing. And this doesn’t have to be disingenuous.
What you’re doing is you’re changing the focus of the feedback. Now, of course, if someone comes to you for an objective review you should tell them how they can improve. I mean you should just be frank about it. But that’s usually not the case when people are engaged in small talk.
They do not want you to fix them, and that’s the difference here we’re talking about small talk. Let’s look at body language. Body language has a significant impact on how others perceive you. The goal with your body language should be to convey that you’re essential, open, interesting and interested, So here are five ways to make that happen.
Number one: fill the space around you. Avoid acting small. Open up your shoulders, sit up straight. If you’re sitting at a table, spread out a little bit. Don’t l,ook as if you’re trying not to get in people’s way. Important people take up the space they require, and then other people fill in around them.
You also want to keep your shoulders relaxed. It’s easy to have tense shoulders and not notice it yourself. But let your shoulders relax and fall. People with authority look more casual in public situations, so even if you’re not relaxed, try and at least look relaxed. Also, when you sit, you want to sit up straight and sit up tall.
When you sit slouched, you’re minimising your presence. Number 2: lean toward the person that you’re speaking with. It gives the impression that you’re paying attention and people appreciate this and will usually engage even more. You want to keep consistent eye contact with the person, avoid looking around, or you know being distracted by other things that are going on in the room.
Wandering eyes make you look like you’re not listening. Have you ever been to a social gathering, where you’re talking to the person, and they’re… you know… it doesn’t make you feel good, and it doesn’t leave a very lasting impression. You want to make the person feel like they’re the only person in the room. Number three: no fidgeting.
Keep the unnecessary movements to a minimum, so don’t pick at your face or shake your legs or click a pen. This doesn’t instil confidence in the other person that you’re with, and it just makes you look insecure, nervous or even bored. Number four: slow down. Confident and commanding personalities tend to have slower motions.
Nervous people tended to look rushed about and harried all the time. So when you’re walking, walk slower with your back up straight like you’re gliding and see if anyone notices or says anything to you. I’ll bet you’ll give a completely different impression. Number five: practice mirroring, and this is something that can happen naturally when two people are talking, and they’re just really in sync with each other.
But you can also intentionally mimic someone’s movements to make them feel more at ease when they’re with you. So what you do is you match the other person’s posture and mannerism. So if she puts her hand in her lap, you put your hand in your lap. If she moves her head to the side when she’s talking, you kind of impact your head to the side as well.
But you need to allow a delay. You don’t want to look like one of those clown mimes. Just give it a few seconds and then assume a similar posture. And then also don’t do it the whole time. You don’t want to do it too much, or it can look weird and distracting. But just assume a few poses or positions with your hands, or if they’re crossing their legs sitting back, you could cross your legs.
makes like that. Just a couple of postures or poses and give it a try and see if it seems to make a difference in the flow of the conversation. So I hope you get people listening to you. I’d love to hear your feedback. Leave me a comment and share this video. I’d appreciate it.